Hell Feels Like Home
by accidentalauthoress
Summary: Veronica's "suicide" scene, if she had actually hit her breaking point and attempted. Written from JD's perspective as he battles his own demons. Multi-shot. Rated T for heavy language and blood.


"VERONICA! OPEN THE DOOR!"

The words being screamed, echoing down the small hallway, didn't feel like they were coming from my mouth. My voice didn't sound like this, harsh and biting and strained. My words were my weapon against the world, but now they were as foreboding as the gun tucked into my waistband. The gun pressing into my flesh, the gun I desperately wanted to get far away from but didn't feel safe without.

I barely felt the oak under my fists as I pounded on her door, harder and harder and harder as though I could make the wood splinter under my flesh. I didn't even feel the pain, even as I saw my knuckles grow red and then bloodied

I wanted to shut my stupid worthless mouth and go home and punch a hole in a wall _and stay away from her_ but there it was again, pouring out like word vomit and I was powerless to stop it. Being out of control of my life wasn't new but being out of control of my body and my words damn well was

"VERONICA!"

Her name didn't even sound right, snarled like this, her name was meant to be whispered, cooed, moaned, to roll off the tongue but GODDAMN IT everything was moving too fast too goddamned fast from the heat rushing through my veins to the racing thoughts to the burning desire to see her to the thirst for blood, for FUCKING BLOOD

"I'M GONNA COUNT TO THREE!"

I warned her. And then the rushing breaths and the gritted teeth and the searing fury rose to a crescendo that I couldn't bear as I felt myself throw my weight at her door once, twice, three times before it gave way with a snap off its hinges.

I wanted to hurt her, and I didn't know why, I wanted to hurt her so bad my hands shook and I couldn't stop it and if there's a god in the world let her get away from me.

Something is wrong with me, everyone knows it but I was last to believe it. Something is wrong and I'm screaming into a void, something is wrong and someone needs to help me but who GIVES ENOUGH OF A FUCK

I fought, against my Mr. Hyde, I fought with all my might, I fought to keep us both safe from what I'd become. But I kept walking into her room, finding the lights on as I traipsed heavily on her plush carpet, fighting every step, searching her out like a hungry dog, searching for her to do god knows what but it damn sure wouldn't be good.

 _Run run run Veronica run please run from me baby_

And then I saw her, and the rage exploded throughout my body so intensely everything went red, and I dug my nails into my palms so hard I could swear I broke skin.

And then I saw her, and the blood, and I swear I could hear my world splintering and shattering around me. Every bit of my boiling blood turned to ice in a millisecond. It was like I stepped into a vacuum as all the air rushed from my lungs in a sick hiss, the room tilting and spinning, my vision going black around the edges. The only thing I could see was her sweet, peaceful face, pale as snow, and the red rivers of blood pooling around her on the floor. _So much blood. Too much blood._

I felt my body trying to call her name, but only a choking sound fell from my lips. The blood still pounded in my ears, my heartbeat echoing through my body and the whole goddamned room. It wasn't hot rage anymore. It was sheer terror, panic as my world, what little I had left, collapsed around me. All I could see was the razor blade still clutched in her hand.

 _GodDAMN IT WHY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT. YOUR DAD WAS RIGHT, YOU RUIN EVERYTHING N YOUR PATHETIC LIFE._

My hands and feet tingling, I collapsed to my knees and reached out, stopping just short of touching her. The fear that she would be cold to my touch ensnared me, kept me from seeking out her pulse.

 _She fucking sliced her wrists open and lay here bleeding while I pounded on her door, thirsting for her blood. She did this because of me, I drove the love of my life to fucking suicide._

"Veronica, open your- open your eyes please."

I started babbling, my hoarse voice shattering the deathly silence. My breath came ragged, wracked by sudden sobs I hadn't known I was holding in.

"Please, god, open your eyes."

My hands trembled desperately as I got the courage to brush some of her dark hair back from her face.

"Veronica, please, I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared."

I couldn't remember the last time I had said those words out loud.

I'm scared.

Understatement of the century.

I'm fucking terrified of the thought of being without her, I can't lose her

 _You deserve this, you fucking deserve this. You never deserved to have her. Look what you drove her to._

"Please don't leave me alone," I begged her, gathering the strength to press my fingers, now wet with Veronica's warm blood and my own tears, to her neck.


End file.
